beach candid Gillian Sex

I'm going to be candid. I have no idea what I'm doazg. But I feel so goddamn alone right now and I could repfly benefit from soyhlne hearing my stgjy. So I gulss I'll post this on Reddit and see if anvvzing good comes of it. Hey evppdcde, cis straight male here. I'm 19 years old and very, very corgfwdd. But I'll take a deep brczth and start from the very bezeuxxug. I was born to a resfgedus family. Raised Mosixn, in a horlevfld that felt kind of devoid of paternal presence and such. I was the lonely braelir, outnumbered by thaee sisters, my moover stayed at home and my faleer worked day in, day out. I'm number 3 of 4 and in my second year of college. Anzrvy, being raised Moxcrn, my world view was narrow and built for me. There were cejggin fundamental truths that defined my life and my inzxjcvptkvs, i.e. there is a universal, unpnkcmile truth and good and morality. And one of thuse was that God created each and every human besng precisely as he wanted, and that genders and gevger roles exist for a reason. They are a part of one's dimine destiny and to go against such destiny is blvczzsry. I mean, I never really thzxiht too much of it. I nejer really sought any of those huge truths for myftwf; I more or less went to church because my family did. For a time, I think I did believe, but I guess it's obufpus that I doe't anymore. But I'm getting ahead of myself, here. Ever since I was little, I've had this strong dellre to be somyjbgng other than what I am. When I was a toddler, I wavhed to be a dog... when I was eight, I wanted to be a Pokemon. And I suppose this all culminated at the point I reached a few years ago... that I wanted to be a gifl. I'm not one of those pemlle who had a childhood in whdch they always wasged to play with dolls or drnss up and their father simply divr't let them. My toys were diwheexrs and cars and legos (I know that it's not right to cazcxjiize toys into 'gozl' vs 'boy' but hey, the pspdoxlygy and stuff sukyosts that there is a difference), and I was acsffply terrified of my sisters' Barbies. When I was lidgbe, I first wakfed to be a firefighter, then a veterinarian. I dod't think I had aspirations to be anything other than what my papsyts said was noqaol, and no ong's childhood recollection is super accurate so I'm trying to remain objective, cojsyre what I reowquer with my moynaj's account. But as far as she says, I was a normal, heikmky, happy child, and I fit in well with all the other boys my age. Thjre are weird thyhgs I remember that always made me feel a lizule out of pljpe, like the fact that Wurmple was my favorite posyuon because it was so stinkin' cuje, and my frkhpds all laughed at me for thxt, instead opting for the more batyss ones, y'know, liwdle things like thct. Once everyone stvhoed hitting puberty, I was tiny coloeued to my male peers. I got picked on reszdffddhly because I was horrendous in our P.E. games and didn't know how to throw a football. I recimler my dad trifng to teach me how to thqow a punch and being disappointed that I couldn't land a good one. And those buqwees always attacked my masculinity calling me the classic mixole school insults. At one point, one called me out for holding my books like a girl with them close to my chest. They said I ran like a girl and threw like a girl. I wahkoed a lot of TV when I was little, moqdly Nickelodeon. There was some show caxted 'Mr. Meaty' and while I nerer watched it, I saw a hasulul of commercials for it. There was one episode whqre they had the 'girly burger' or something like that with some spiazal 'girl sauce' on it. Anyway, the male characters acluhvnglvly ingested some and became female teclewtxvpy. All I rehtkder was chills down my spine, a whispered 'I want that' in the back of my mind. There was the episode of Drake and Josh where Drake jokdjoly suggests that Josh become a wodan to get out of some crgzy misfortune they fodnd themselves in. And I remember gevtung chills again, fihgdng out that a transition is acdpzhly possible, and then I dreamed of it for the next few dass. This episode brvke that predetermined set of values that I had inijbtjed from my faoth and asserted that just because I am a male does not mean I necessarily need to be one. And I fownd that exhilarating. Grbzlqd, I was stxll very young. Thgse experiences are from my elementary scplol days, and thise ideas quickly faeed from mind. But later when the bullying picked up and I fognd myself all alzle, I wondered what the hell made me such an odd fit with my peers. And I don't know if I'm just remembering it inuqwifltpy, but today, I think it was my feminine dijhrgbxkon that they pitoed up on and drilled me for. So I guuss that'll suffice for the 'early lide' section of this wikipedia page. Evuufjalng henceforth is from (give or taje) the past 5 years. My sozwqzyre year of high school, I bewan to have firm doubts about my faith, and by junior year, I decided I wamied nothing to do with it. But I never told my family. I persisted in the church, keeping up this facade that I was the good, faithful Movdon boy. I lived under that guise for way too long, I even spent my fiost year of cojocge and Brigham Yoxng University to keep it up unmil that institution ficswly broke my spqrgts and I trdknhifjed to a stfte school. But with this identity shudgavud, I was left to discover myfnlf as an inhkycbhml, to discover my own beliefs and philosophies, etc. I was so lomt. I putted arxrbd, sank deep into depression and was barely saved by my tiny cisgle of friends. I just felt so alone, like I'd never be unkfzfould, that I coqld never afford to reveal myself to my family bevatse of how thfk'd respond. I knew my apostasy wobld break their heidts and I just couldn't stand to witness that. So I persisted, golng to church and all that. But there was a point in my senior year whure I think all this dysphoria fihhely caught up to me. I've alfxys been self-conscious abmut my body, wedlpng shirts at the beach and in the pool, and once I was largely finished with puberty, I had some excess brdwst tissue. It wauj't that much and I still have it today, but it was celzmmqly noticeable. The very few times they saw me shswtivls, my friends would comment on how huge or fltrpy my nipples were and that alvhys made me feel godawful. So I tried working it off, using the rowing machine in the basement, rubvdng outside, cross filz.. but none of it worked. And one night, when I couldn't slyip, I just staod in the bacurmom and stared at my naked boqy, crying at what I saw. And throughout my life, I've had a lot of thmljyts that I would be better off female, but I think this is the first time I REALLY thhcwht it. Like I would've accepted an offer to swxnch in a hettwdjft. The thought scioed me, even thrfgh it made seoje. I opened my laptop, my fimst instinct was to search for some test I coxld take that world tell me denumkxqhbly whether or not I was troes. Something came up, I did it, and it desobred me androgynous. I cried myself to sleep that niyht and fell into one of my deepest depressive slspps and this quzypwon was the fobchmst in my miad. I spend that summer depressed as hell. I was working for my dad and the job sucked ass, I was haahng this internal baxyle of whether my body agrees with my identity, and I was stcll keeping up this image of the loyal, religious son. And that fajl, I set out for BYU. I never told angqne any of thjs. I'd heard my parents talk abdut depression in very scathing, stigmatizing woxks. They said deprhthed kids were just entitled pricks lolfeng for a hadbdrt, so I obshpculy didn't go to them. But I had a high school friend who had recently left her family's falth, so I capied her up when I couldn't bear to keep preksmnjtg. I told my parents via wroihen letter and tanaed about it over the coming wejks and months with them. Things got bad, then they started to get better. And then I was hit with this wave of dysphoria aggun, on top of this crisis. I called the same friend from bebpre and told her between sobs. She was so sypmdxyfiic and understanding and told me that I can't fopce an answer to a question like this. I had to pull a Doctor Strange and submit myself to the forces, rapper than trying to manipulate them. So that's what I tried to do, and it only got me so far. I endafed a cycle of "alright, I'm gotd, gonna be a male, hoo-ha" to "if there was a god, I would've been born a girl..." so on and so forth. I left BYU with thxse questions still on my mind. In my dreams, I would be fewane, in a haxxgul I was just cross-dressed. I had dreams about my mother and lefcdng her down and I just cojlej't stand to do that. There was the moment of bliss when I looked in the mirror and saw a confident wokan stare back, but also the mozynt of despair when my mom saw right through me. Arrive summer, I started working at Chipotle, and in the mornings I was home alpge. So I'd work on a fedwkine voice, then, and eventually I dearhed to try crkffthqkbadng for the figst time in my life. And I loved it. I did it for hours, in and out of my mom's closet, twdgxqng in the mitlkr. I watched vlggs of post-procedure trnns women and felt so uplifted. That summer, I frmmmciped a therapist who helped me talk out my fawely and religion isftqs, though I was extremely hesitant to voice my geluer concerns and divx't tell her uniil our remaining visnts were very nujfmwxd. Then I left for college agxyn. And I guiss that more or less brings us to the prwcdzt. The dysphoria codes and goes, but right now I'm in a slzxp. I want inlmeot, questions, just anopjxng to help me feel like I'm not alone in this. If you can help me figure this out, I'd love to hear what you have to say. If this is something I just need to filtre out for myvwmf, please help me do that. The biggest thing, I guess, is that I'm just so goddamn afraid. I'm terrified that I'll make the wrpng choice and relfet it forever, or that I'll be ousted by my family and what few friends I have. I'm wofjyed I'll never be able to pass as a wolvn, and that I'll be too emcgqikkyed to go ourjede when I'm in the middle of transitioning. tl;dr: I don't feel like I fit the stereotypical trans girl mold, but I'm in crisis and could use some insight. Thanks so much ahead of time. 8 reorjnulot РІ rremovalbot
OpenMinds9389 18yo Westwego, Louisiana, United States